This is not something I would typically write. This isn’t some big revelation I’ve had with Jesus or life in general. This isn’t advice for myself that I decided to write out on the world wide web in hopes that I might actually listen to it.
Nope, this is something very different. Something very “out there” for me I guess. I don’t really know what this is or what I should call it but here it goes…
I’m about to turn 21 in a few days and I have been looking back at my life and all the people I have known. I feel like I have known a lot of different people from different places, from going to school for a year at West Georgia to going to the Dominican Republic the past two summers to high school to InsideOut small group leading. I have had the privilege of meeting so many really awesome people with really really cool stories and lives. And that’s nice.
But that’s not what this is about.
There is probably nothing worse for me than opening up. The risk of showing my whole self and not being enough for someone. Showing my everything, putting it all on the line and all out there for really anyone to see. Vulnerability. It’s just really really hard. I’ve been real and open and exposed.. and people have walked out. Left. Maybe for good reason, maybe I was too much or too little. I wasn’t good enough or I really don’t know what I wasn’t enough of.. maybe I was just too stinking cool and funny and they couldn’t keep up. I don’t know. But I didn’t make the cut. And it sucks. Sometimes more than others. But it’s never easy.
And I kinda get it, I am reeallyyy not an easy person to love all the time. I have a dark side that isn’t so great and I’m working on it (no one is perfect right?)
Now. This is for the ones who have stayed. The ones who know what an ugly crier I am. The ones who see my blonde eye lashes right when I wake up and can attest that I do look kinda like a boy without makeup on. The ones who I can sing really really loud and dance without worry around. The people I can count on one hand that know me and my thought process and my heart just as much as their own. The ones I don’t have to try and impress. The people that embrace my messy life and my messy hair and call it cute. The ones that know my obsession with music and how it’s my “thing” (so I say). The ones who know my dirty secrets and love me all the more for it. The couple of people that know my love of love and kindness and see my passions and appreciate how deeply I want to love and adventurously I want to live. This is for the people that have stood by me and my weirdo, spazzy self and said “you’re on my team” and “I don’t want to do life without you” and “we are together in this”. The very few people that have walked through all my seasons and all my different battles and storms and never let go of my hand. The peeps that laugh at my very lame jokes. The 2 or 3 people that I can call in the middle of the night and know, no matter what, they will pick up and wake up and listen. Just listen to me cry or rant or vent. The people that encourage me. This is for the ones who have stayed and lived my life with me. The people that know everything about me, my worst thoughts and sins and worries and struggles, all my flaws, all my shame, all of me. And decided to stay. Stay with me. Live life along side me. Fight the battles with me. Love me.
And I think there is something so incredible about the people God puts in your life that stay and love. I think that those forever friends are the biggest blessings in the entire world. People to do life with. I mean seriously what else do ya need?
Anyways, T H A N K Y O U for being there. For listening. For just sticking around.
Thank you for loving me all the way through.
Thank you very much for staying.
And by the way, I’m no going anywhere either.